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I woke up the way you see bodies do in movies, asthmatic for air like I’d been drowning. A ablaze beyond the allowance was on, painting my flat accommodation in an awesome way. I accomplished beyond the bed for my partner.

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He wasn’t there. But of advance he wasn’t.

All of the antecedent day’s contest aback done over me. I’d insisted he appear home during work. I was a mess, abashed and crying. We had been angry for weeks, but added acutely in the aftermost few days.

He capital a beneath accessible life, and I kept answer that already you are featured in Time Out New York and are in endless accessories by your sex biographer girlfriend, this is around impossible. I mean, we had a podcast about relationships together. He kept adage his “priorities had changed.”  

When I asked if he capital to breach up, half-joking, he said, flatly, “I aloof don’t see addition alternative.” Afterwards three years together, that’s all there was to it. 

We’d met on Tinder aback I was 21 and still in college. For three years, he’d ask me out for drinks every six months or so. We’d accomplish out. I’d go home.

Until one September night aback he showed up at a affair at my accommodation with a bristles that did wonders for him. He pursued me for four months afore I agreed to be his girlfriend. We fell brainless in love. Afresh my career began to booty off.

At first, he was my better advocate. He fabricated my newsletter for me, encouraged me to advance my brands, and was consistently accomplished with actuality accounting about, whether it was as an archetype of a acceptable admirer or to analysis some new sex toy.

The accord began to adulterate afterwards I was laid off from my job at Thrillist and my freelance career took off acutely overnight. Then, I got a book deal. Aggregate was accident so fast for me and it seemed to accomplish him feel less successful, alike admitting I consistently approved to accomplish abiding he knew how amazing and ablaze he was.

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It all came to a arch in July 2017 aback I wrote a scientifically authentic allegorical commodity about anal sex for Teen Vogue. (I’m still appreciative of that allotment ― FU, haters.) The trolls descended like the aerial monkeys. Evangelicals and bourgeois parents were accident their minds about this base piece.

My inbox, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook were ample with crazies. Aggregate that was accident to me, my accomplice internalized. He abhorrent me for my own harassment. He said I’d brought it aloft myself. Aback I bare him most, he wasn’t there.

After the breakup, I larboard the home I’d congenital for us over our three years calm and got on a even headed to Chicago, abrogation my activity in New York behind. To be frank, I bare my mom and dad. So I confused aback to the burghal I’d developed up in to grieve.

My accessory and BFFL knew I was about one footfall abroad from activity ”Girl, Interrupted” and arrive me to absorb the weekend with her at her accommodation on the Gold Coast, area she took me for massages and facials to acclamation me up.

It was then, as we were walking by the Red Door Salon, my beard disordered with beating oil, I fabricated a choice. For years, my admirer had told me never to cut my hair. He’d collapsed in adulation with my continued hair, so I was activity to cut it ALL off. Hell, I was activity to get BANGS.

Sure, accepting a new crew has a acceptability as about the cheesiest way a woman says, “Eat a dick” to her ex, but I had to do article desperate to admonish myself that I am a kick-ass woman who didn’t deserve this BS, to feel in ascendancy of my life.

Charles was the abandoned stylist in the place. One attending at his well-tailored clothing and I knew I was in acceptable hands. I showed him a account of Taylor Swift on my phone. As I told him about my breakup, he declared, “This is activity to be THE FREEDOM HAIRCUT. This is the alpha of your new life.”

He snipped abroad until my beard was at my jawline and I looked like a academy teacher. But, then, with a across-the-board gesture, he cut bangs. I went from abashed to ecstatic. There I was. The new me.

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I looked amazing. I’d gone from stick-straight beard to my abdomen button to article affiliated to the Velma Kelly, and it was bona fide sexy.

My breakdown bogie godmother took me over to the architecture station, chief that I bare the works to absolutely transform from crestfallen bird to abounding butterfly. The architecture artisan glammed me up with a begrimed eye and nude lipstick and Charles instructed his abettor to booty allure shots.

We posed. We vogued. I acquainted admirable for the aboriginal time in weeks. The woman in those photos is not some broken, sad babe beginning from a breakup; she’s a angry coquette fatale with a new charter on activity who knows her worth.

Over the abutting few weeks, I grew stronger still, imbibed with the atrocity of The Freedom Haircut. I started announcement circadian photos of myself on amusing media. I additionally accustomed a ton of adulation from family, accompany and strangers.

I was agilely grieving, spending best evenings ample with tears, but anew reminded of my abutting strength. I acquainted like the crew somehow fabricated me attending added like myself. As one abutting acquaintance put it, “I didn’t apperceive annihilation could accomplish you added Gigi, but afresh I saw your new crew and was like, ‘WOW she is added Gigi than she has anytime been!’” 

Life with the new beard has been shockingly easy. My beard was adamantine to booty affliction of before: perpetually dry, arrant and addled if I let it air-dry. My bob, on the added hand, dries artlessly with a little, amorous cast on the ends. If I booty two account to draft dry it, it folds beneath in the absolute coif. My bangs are accessible to cut myself and anatomy my face in a way that makes me feel sexy.

Give a woman the appropriate crew and she can do anything. My appearance started developing into article beyond than it had been before. I’d consistently had all-embracing style, but with the aggressiveness of the hair, I was on a arcade terror: Rad best jumpsuits, feature kimonos, boundless heeled boots, berets in a actor altered colors, and acute account earrings that fell beneath the band of my hair.

I had acquainted so lost, abashed and abandoned afterwards my breakup. For a abrupt time, I didn’t bethink who I was. But the haircut, the crew remembered. And it affected me to attending in the mirror and see it for myself. 

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Timeless Graduated Bob Haircuts 2018 | Hairdrome | how to cut a bob haircut

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I began developing myself, rediscovering myself, from the alfresco in. I began absolutely all-embracing the genitalia I had compromised as a aftereffect of actuality in my relationship. If I capital to appearance abounding midriff, I did it. If I capital addition to booty a photo of my accouterments because I was activity myself, I asked. I acquainted in tune with my female in a way that I hadn’t in as continued as I could remember. 

Eventually, aggregate abroad began to feel easier, too. I had this abstraction that if I didn’t accept my partner, I wouldn’t accept anyone anytime again. I was so absolutely wrong. Afterwards all, I’m a 27-year-old woman with a book deal, an amazing abutment arrangement and a admirable career that I’m amorous about. I’m a catch.

I was blessed in my accord for a actual continued time, but I couldn’t see how aside I’d become, how small. It wasn’t my partner’s fault. I’d fabricated myself this way. I capital to be added desirable, added admiring of him aback my career as a sex biographer was already somewhat beyond than life.

Now, the abandoned being I had to amuse was myself. And I did.

A few weeks after I was on the blush carpeting at Amber Rose’s Slut Walk arrogant my being afore I was to accord my accent on the capital date in advanced of what acquainted like a actor people. As I airish for the cameras, I acquainted added complete than I had in the aftermost three years. This was area I was declared to be, all-embracing my edginess, belted in the being I am and the woman I am becoming. 

Healing isn’t an accessible process. It is painful, but sometimes it takes a desperate change we accept no ascendancy over for us to let go ― to absolutely let go ― of aggregate that was captivation us back.

Gigi Engle is a sex drillmaster and biographer active in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.

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