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A year afterwards the afterlife of his admired sister, Wise talks about caring for Clare in her aftermost days, and the blog, now a book, they wrote together

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It is added than a year aback Clare Wise, sister of the amateur Greg Wise, died of cancer. She lived aloof bottomward the artery from the West Hampstead abode her brother shares with his wife, Emma Thompson, and their daughter, Gaia. As Greg opens his advanced aperture and leads the way into his kitchen, one can see, aural minutes, why he was such an basal carer to his sister during the aftermost weeks of her life. Today, he has organised elevenses with acceptable coffee and patisserie. As an actor, he is commonly casting as a base (Mountbatten in The Crown a arguable exception). In life, he could not be nicer if he tried. And that’s absolutely it: he does not arise to be aggravating – the agreeableness is not fake. Aback I ask him how he is activity about Clare’s afterlife now, his eyes fill.

“I’ve had actual few canicule aback I’ve not been actively accomplishing article about Clare, be it probate, allocation out her flat, affective appliance – or aloof the book.” The book is Not That Affectionate of Adulation and is a aggregate effort, accounting by Clare and Greg. It is fuelled by acumen and wisecracks, a adventure of brotherly, and sisterly, love. Clare was 18 months Greg’s chief (he is 51) and formed for the UK Blur Council and as carnality admiral of Universal Pictures. She started a blog in 2013 (although the aboriginal agglomeration in her breast was begin in 2007) and her booty on affliction drew a army – 96,000 hits (by 2015). No wonder: her appearance is gallant, funny, self-deprecating. It was not until June 2015 that blight fabricated its abhorrent improvement into her basic and Greg confused into her collapsed to booty affliction of her and Grably (her attention-seeking cat). He additionally took over the blog aback she became too ailing to write.

Clare’s adherence to her brother (she declared him as her “best friend”) is the book’s brightest thread. She relies on him to appear with her to hospital accessories alive he will agreeableness the nurses, acquaint the appropriate jokes, accumulate her going. And as to demography on the blog, Greg explains this was a applied accommodation to assure them from “endless buzz calls, emails and texts” and Facebook messages. “It was our way of saying: ‘Please, please, leave us alone. This is what’s happening. Don’t panic.’” Greg’s contribution, which makes up the book’s aftermost third, starts as an amend on how Clare is and becomes a brainwork on life, on the accent of attention the baby things – the case on a argent besom timberline in a assertive light, analogous socks, a allotment of block (he speculates on how abnormally we would feel were the block “eternal”). The book ends with Clare’s afterlife at home and is an unedited, un-dolled-up reproduction of their blogs. The autograph sometimes has a rough-at-the-edges quality, and this is because Greg insisted it be appear as aboriginal written: “The affair I acquainted best berserk was: we can’t adapt this. This is a real-time allotment of writing.” He afterwards discloses, “I’m advantageous in that I’ve consistently been actual present” (a acceptable affection in an actor).

I didn’t lose Clare – she died. Passing. Losing. Slipped away… Please. We acquire to be able to allege death

Now, abiding to the catechism of how he is, his articulation wobbles slightly: “When addition goes through a life-limiting ache – and you never know, at the time, how attached it will be – you acquire to be accurate not to pre-grieve. And yet I couldn’t advice afflicted for the accompaniment my sister was award herself in. And aback she died, I felt, fucking hell, acknowledge God, because this was untenable. Cartilage blight is acute and this was hard, hard, hard. A allotment of you is beholden and again you try not to accord yourself a adamantine time for actuality grateful. I apperceive I’ve not necessarily abstruse this – and, oh God, I complete like the Dalai Lama – but affliction and affliction and ache are important. They’re what accomplish us. Activity is activity to bandy bits at you and it’s how you accord with it. It will accord you the befalling to see who you absolutely are.”

The Dalai Lama badinage is archetypal Greg. What is so artful is that his calmness refuses to allotment aggregation from his aptitude for seeing applesauce in himself and in life: “It’s capital to be able to acquire a beam and Clare was able to do that. Our faculty of humour was similar. We admired puns – the groaningly bad array – and, because of our history, we were able to vibe off anniversary other, to jam, which is a august thing.”

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I appetite to apperceive added about Clare. There is a admirable photograph, on the awning of their book, of Clare and Greg, taken aback she was well. She was a acceptable beauty, with Titianesque red hair, and a affliction smile. She has one duke over Greg’s eyes. What would it acquire been like had she been with us this morning? “She was open, ebullient, admired socialising. She would acquire had the croissants at the ready. She’d apparently acquire had a blaze on. She ability acquire accustomed me a row for cutting a hardly scruffy top [a crushed, long-sleeved white affection shirt] but be admiring I’d had a shave. She’d be able to allocution able-bodied about annihilation you asked her. She was a ridiculously ablaze babe [she had a bifold aboriginal in history from Cambridge]. She was cerebral, a huge reader, aesthetic and wrote beautifully.

“We aggregate a lot of ancestry but were actual different. It was added than aloof a boy/girl thing. We were brought up in Northumberland [they lived in Newcastle and had a weekend cottage in the country]. Clare was a burghal dweller, she couldn’t do countryside.” The catholic sister was additionally a virtuoso aunt: “Aunts are fantastically important. On the odd occasions I’ve been asked to be a godparent, I’ve said: ‘I don’t acquire in God, but can I amuse be a rogue uncle? I ability be a bit bits for the aboriginal years but already they get to 17/18, I’ll booty them out and get them pissed.’” Clare was “a rogue aunt” and “an amazing travelling companion”. She had a affinity with both their children. Tindy is Greg and Emma Thompson’s adopted son – now 31 – a above adolescent soldier from Rwanda whom they met at a Refugee Council accident aback he was 16 and who is now a animal rights lawyer. In the book, Greg describes Clare as accepting been “a able figure” in Tindy’s life: “She collection him about assuming him his new country; alien him to the sea (where he rushed in absolutely clothed) and to his aboriginal gay couple; got him his aboriginal bike; accomplished him what a ‘holiday’ is; accomplished him acquaint about family.” She was appropriately abutting to Gaia (18) who, by the complete of it, could appear up with her own adaptation of Travels With My Aunt. “Gaia has been lucky. It is so important to acquire addition of your parents’ bearing who you can go to and say: ‘My dad is such an arse.’ And they can go: ‘He’s consistently been an arse.’”

In the book, he explains the accurateness he and Clare aggregate as a affiliated advanced adjoin a “tricky” upbringing. Why tricky? “I would admonish that conceivably our parents should never acquire affiliated (“opine” comes beyond as a antic best of verb, evocative of his attention about accepting launched into the accountable at all). “It’s difficult because although my parents are dead, I don’t appetite to agitated folk who knew them. Yet anyone who knew the accoutrement would apperceive it had a analytic catchy activating which fabricated Clare and I assignment calm well, comedy able-bodied and accumulate our alive down.”

Their parents were architects and Greg initially advised architectonics himself and still has affluence of applied flair. Actuality a carer, he volunteers, is about “minute by minute botheration solving” and “trying not to catastrophise”. He goes on: “Generally, if you sit and anticipate – and one of the things you do best as a carer is sit – you can assignment things through.” He has a affectionate acuteness to the abeyant alterity amid ailing actuality and carer. He maintains that Clare’s “focus on aggravating to acquisition solutions” helped them both. He would try to “facilitate” whatever she dreamt up. Best importantly, he writes, “It is a adamantine affair to do, to acquire help. It is so abundant easier to give.”

The consequence I am accepting is of addition not as altered from his description of Clare as he makes out. Like Clare, he is an ardent clairvoyant and bent to appear to grips with what he has been through. In his non-aggressive way, he is a man on a mission. Our “dysfunctional” accord with death, he suggests, may be about to change: “Almost daily, there are pieces on the radio and television about afterlife and dying. It is the zeitgeist. And it may be because we acquire never been added abashed about our future, with Brexit, Trump and Arctic Korea. And books like Atul Gawande’s Actuality Mortal and Paul Kalanithi’s Aback Breath Becomes Air – about a surgeon ambidextrous with analytical illness, and about a surgeon dying – hit the accessible imagination.” He additionally acclaim about Kathryn Mannix’s afresh appear With the End in Mind. He is assertive that we are abashed of afterlife partly because we don’t “see” it.

Caring for Clare has accustomed him the keenest faculty of how abundant the UK depends aloft its carers. “There are 7m carers in the UK and about with little advice and about no abutment from government. If they all went: ‘We can’t do this any more,’ and fabricated the accompaniment responsible, the NHS would be broke overnight.” Clare was advised in the NHS’s Macmillan Blight Centre, “a huge, beautiful, bespoke architecture with amazing bodies in it”. And alike admitting they sometimes had to delay hours afore actuality seen, he charcoal a amorous best of the NHS: “We charge action to the afterlife adjoin the NHS actuality awash off,” he says and wagers: “I’m appealing abiding bodies would acquire a ringfenced access in tax to pay for it.”

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What decidedly preoccupies him is that “hospitals are not advised for bodies to get bigger in. Best bodies appetite to die at home but end up dying in hospital. Did you apperceive that best doctors die at home? We acquire to array this out as a society. We charge demedicalise death. At the point area the booze affliction needs to bang in, we acquire to be able abundant to acquire that conversation.” He recognises that booze affliction has become a accomplished art: “It is extraordinary.” And he explains: “One of the capital conversations you acquire as a carer is: what is the accommodation amid affliction administration and still actuality able to be active, if that is what you appetite to be?”

He briefly speculates, too, about why there is a blight catching at the moment. He does not buy into the abstraction that it has annihilation to do with stress: “African affluence farmers are added fatigued than we are,” he says. But he wonders whether assertive aliment articles will, one day, be sued for the toxicity of their articles – as the tobacco companies already were. And again he adds quietly: “No one is to accusation for accepting ill.”

It was on 12 September 2015 that Clare declared in her blog the moment of actuality told: “Clare, you acquire cureless cartilage cancer…” Her reaction? “WTF, I THINK IS WHAT THE MODERN KIDS SAY…” It was a affliction that was actively timed. She had been about to go with Greg, Emma and Gaia on the “holiday of a lifetime to Greece”. Instead: “I alleged Greg. Poor Greg – for the additional time in his activity he had to get a buzz alarm from me saying, ‘Drop everything, it’s cancer.’” What is best arresting is that she never had the aboriginal agnosticism that Greg would bead everything. There charge acquire been times aback actuality taken for accepted was a burden? “Of advance – but this was my choice. It was not to do with her. Or maybe it was appropriately about us both. For there was a arrangement addled amid us that went all the way aback to aback we were three.” But he again adds the absolute reconsideration that he was not a one-man band.

Clare had a accurate acquaintance in her sister-in-law. In her blog, she acknowledgment “Em” for her love, backbone and “overwhelming generosity and kindness”. And for the laughs. It was Emma who looked afterwards her afterwards her breast blight surgery. It was Emma who gave herself a new role as beard stylist. On 23 November 2015, Clare writes: “I feel appealing acceptable – acquire a new contemporary brownie crew (courtesy of my sis-in-law).” It was Emma who took on the not unchallenging assignment of giving her a shower. Greg’s afterwards efforts acclimated “every ablution anhydrate in arctic London”. Her abiding qualities were a bout for her husband’s. Aloof afore the cartilage blight diagnosis, Clare writes: “Em absitively she couldn’t break abroad with me not actuality able-bodied so gave up her anniversary to attending afterwards me.” At the aforementioned time, she “instituted a actual austere and advantageous bistro administration (also actual tasty)”. Clare seemed to appetite the side-effects of accepting a mega-celebrity as sister-in-law. It complex added than activity to premieres of films (although this was an actual perk). It angry hospital itself into an event. She letters that hospital agents were admiring of Emma until Clare was absolved but that they again “all capital selfies. As best of the agents there are from the Philippines, I doubtable that Em is now added acclaimed than Imelda Marcos.”

Seven months afore she died, Emma took Clare to India. “They had a arresting brace of weeks in an Ayurvedic dispensary in Kerala,” Greg says, “Clare was appealing sick. But they had moments aback it was aloof the two of them and they were able to talk.” In Kerala, Clare accepted to Emma that she admired she had let a altered array of adulation into her life. Greg writes: “She had an amazing bulk of adulation in her activity – she knew that – but not that affectionate of love…” And he now recalls: “The day Clare came aback from India, I’ve never in my activity – or chastening – apparent her attending added admirable and happy. She was beaming beatitude and peace. But again actually the abutting day, she took herself to bed.” That was, in a sense, the end of her activity – although there were to be backbreaking analytic trials ahead.

When I ask whether accident Clare accomplished him any big things, he reacts instantly – not cantankerous but urgent: “I didn’t lose Clare – she died. We’ve got to be bright about that. Passing. Losing. Slipped away. Please… We acquire to be able to allege death. We don’t apperceive how to allocution about afterlife which is odd because we’re all activity to die. So: my sister died, she didn’t go to sleep… or pass… or whatever else.” And yet he knows from his own acquaintance that we end up, for all sorts of reasons, littoral about the accountable – as his acquaintance of filming The Crown reveals. The aboriginal alternation was fabricated while Clare was ill, and Greg did the job because Mountbatten was a baby role. The filming of the additional alternation began two canicule afterwards Clare’s funeral. “Only the director, ambassador and aboriginal abettor ambassador knew. I didn’t allocution to anyone else.” Attention yourself? “I was attention them as able-bodied – because bodies are activity to think: oh God, what can I say? This was the aboriginal day of a seven-month shoot and anybody was excited. I thought: OK, accomplish abiding you apperceive your lines, do them as able-bodied as you can.” Aback he watched the additional series, he anxiously scrutinised his face to see whether he had accustomed himself abroad (he hadn’t).

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The big affair afterlife teaches is, he believes, that activity is unpredictable. The night afore Clare died, Greg had no abstraction her afterlife was imminent. He quotes from William Goldman’s Adventures in the Screen Trade – a “spectacular” book, appear 30 years ago: “Goldman said the best important affair to apperceive in the blur business is that no one knows anything. We balloon that. We never apperceive what is activity to happen.”

Towards the end, Clare couldn’t aspect the abstraction of anyone added than Greg attractive afterwards her, although she accepted to a friend, anon afore she died, that she knew her brother bare “time away”. She never said this to his face, afraid, presumably, of actuality after him. With hindsight, it seems accessible that in registering Greg’s charge to get away, she was additionally registering her own. He does not abort to almanac her aftermost moments and artlessly assures Clare (he wasn’t lying) that he is allocation aggregate out:

“I wiped Clare’s face. I captivated her hand. I kissed her forehead. I told her I admired her. I said how astonishing we had both been, but I said it was all aloof accepting too fucked-up now. I told her that she didn’t acquire to worry, that aggregate was sorted. And I told her she could go now, if she capital to.”

She died – a minute afterwards – captivation his hand.

• Not That Affectionate of Adulation by Clare and Greg Wise is appear by Quercus (£16.99). To adjustment a archetype for £14.44 go to guardianbookshop.com or alarm 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Buzz orders min p&p of £1.99

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